Elevator Apocalypse

When I am bored I like to think of things to do to amuse myself. One of my favorite flights of imagination is to play a game called Elevator Apocalypse. I am sure I didn't make up this little game (there are probably a million google sites and a hundred Youtube clips), but I like to think of it as my private little game.

How is it played, you ask?

Well, you find yourself in an elevator with other people, and then you realize that the entire world has been destroyed except for you and those people in the elevator. What will this new humanity look like? Will your particular ethnic group survive? It sounds utterly impossible, but I put an event of this nature somewhere between a Republican becoming president again and those 10,000 monkeys typing all the works of Shakespeare.

Sometimes it's hilarious. Often it is sad, because often I am the only black woman on the elevator and I have no uterus--hence no black people in the future. Sometimes there are no men, sometimes there are all men and me (again with no uterus). You get the drift.

You should try it and if you find yourself laughing out loud (and embarrassing yourself) maybe it is because you looked up and found yourself in an elevator with a three 6'3" Germans guys, a fat Asian woman, a Filipino dude in a walker, and a skinny black gay guy with a tiny chihuahua.

Of course there are variations to this apocalyptic scenario. The future of humanity as determined by the shoes worn by the elevator occupants. Flip flops, crocs or beach thongs versus real shoes. If the flip flop to shoe ratio is too high, it doesn't matter what we will eventually look like--we will be stupid. I apologize to flip flop aficianados but you just cannot look intelligent in them. I am trying to imagine Albert Einstein in flip flops or crocs, can't do it. They are fine for the beach, or laundry, sitting in your backyard swatting mosquitos, watching daytime TV; but not for conducting business, or going to work, or going to school, riding on post apocalyptic elevators...

I have a Twitter account and I will keep you posted on my elevator trips. Post your comments here or there too. By the way I think Twitter is one of those things along with Kindle and the Internet that will eventually destroy humanity, but I have decided I would rather go by way of(Cutesy little) Twitter than spend eternity stuck on an elevator with a bunch of nuns and a crack addict.


***My Twitter name is Sarcarlastic (I swear it was the only name left).***
****My New Blog is entitled The Cannon Chronicle at http://cannonchronicle.blogspot.com. All of the articles in this blog will be transferred to my new blog. Goodbye Broke Down Oprah.

I didn't know people were still reading my Blog

I received an angry post to one of my blogs that I had written a long time ago. It made me laugh because I have not written anything in a long time. I have been sick and as you can see from my last post I was fawning all over Edwards who turned out to be a little flawed. Anyway I think I will start writing again it may be therapeutic and this time I will watch my grammar a little more (ok grammar nerd?).

And to that angry poster who thinks I should take all by bravery (I displayed in making fun of Delilah) to the battlefield of Iraq, I think our military can do just fine without me. When they start recruiting baby boomers with renal impairment to do their business, even the conservatives will have to admit that we've lost. Anyway, isn't there some middle ground between making fun of Delilah and fighting in Iraq? There's got to be.

Maybe I can take all that bravery and pick a fight with a bunch of angry pit bulls, or I could crash the next spelling bee and jump up in front of some East Indian kid and start spelling "antidisestablishmentariansm." I could go swimming after eating at an all you can eat buffet. Even if fighting in the Iraq war is all I could do to demonstrate my bravery, I don't believe in that war. Wouldn't it be more beneficial to track down Osama Bin Laden and smack him upside his head with his dialysis machine or go to North Korea and kick that little dictator's ass? Where is your creativity angry poster?

Oh and by the way, Delilah still sucks.

I am starting to feel better already.

Enjoy Your Dog and Pony Show, I'm Voting For Edwards

The mainstream media love Obama and Clinton. We have never had a black President or a female President and they are just all atwitter at the prospect of being part of that historic event. They forgot other candidates are running. They also forgot that Hillary and Obama can't beat the Republicans the ramifications of which will ruin this country for good. This county cannot tolerate another minute of sociopathic, corporate ass kissing, Repulican rule. Our economy is on the brink of ruin, the infrastructure of our cities are crumbling, the medical care situation is a disaster even for those who have insurance and this war is ruining a generation not to mention a country on the other side of the world. That should be what is important not that we have a black or female president.

But not to the MSM.



Let's take a look at the two golden candidates:

Ladies first.




Hillary Clinton is not Bill Clinton. She is her own person and that person is more conservative and less charismatic than Bill. People just don't like her. The Republicans hate her and the left wing of the Democratic party doesn't trust her. I see her as someone who would spend her administration trying to show how macho she is by engaging in conflicts, invading countries like Iran on the flimsiest of pretexts and keeping companies like Blackwater in business.

In fact she is on the armed services committee--why isn't she spearheading the investigations of Blackwater and Haliburton? She is a good speaker. After that I don't see much difference between her and our speech impaired President. She backed down on the universal health care battle in the 90's and I can see her doing it again.






Now to Barak Obama.




He is tall dark and handsome. He is an excellent speaker and he seems very intelligent and charming. He says he wants to unite people and bring change to Washington. Really? What if people don't want to be united. I don't want to unite with racist rednecks, I don't want to unite with crazy Christians, I don't want to unite with Republicans. I know these people live in the same country and I have to coexist with them but I don't wan't to unite with them. What kind of change is he talking about?. I haven't seen where he has done anything earth shattering in the Senate, in fact he has spent most of his senate term runnng for President. I think maybe one day in the future he may become a candidate I would support but right now I have to say no. America is too racist, his name rhymes with Osama, his middle name is Hussein, he has shown little interest in helping poor people or black people; mainly catering to the white middle class (hence Oprah, their High Priestess) and he comes off as kind of weak to me. The Republicans would have him for breakfast, lunch and dinner and he would probably have a nervous breakdown the first year of his term.

I don't think so.



Now we come to John Edwards.

I like Edwards when he ran against Bush/Cheney. He made Cheney's blood boil during a debate when he slipped in that comment about his gay daughter.

Kapow!

I loved it. Cheney didn't see it coming. Democrats are supposed to play nice. Oops.

I think John Edwards has the chops to stand up to the crazy right, I don't think he's afraid of them. I think he will help the poor and working class people including the middle class. I think the International community would love him. I know he can beat any of those pathetic excuses for human beings on the Republican side. If that's not enough he has promised to remove the health insurance of the Congress, Senate and White House staff until they pass health care for all Americans. I don't know how he would be able to accomplish that but I don't think he would say it if it were not possible.

However, when Dean promised universal health care, they came back with the scream. So I am sure they will dig up something on Edwards if he proves to be successful.

Be that as it may, he has a southern accent and it will play well in the south. Edwards doesn't share their limited views on life but since he has the accent that should easily distract them. Obama and Clinton can totally forget about the south.

So it is Edwards for me. If he wins the first three primaries maybe the MSM will get it that the Dog and Pony show is not working and start giving him more air time. Maybe they will realize we are not so easily distracted (if only that were true).

Grits and Yuppies

I love Grits, especially with spicy sausages, a little cheese and butter on it for breakfast. A lot of people did not grow up eating Grits and since the word doesn't sound very pretty, (grittiness?) and it is associated heavily with black people, it has become some kind of strange substance in the Non Grit Eating world.

Ok-- whatever it's their loss.

However I have a problem with Yuppies or other Non grit Eaters asking what is a Grit or what are Grits and scrunching up their faces as that ask-- as if to say I am asking but I don't really want to know because I have already formed a negative opinion about it.

I don't feel like explaining what a Grit is. You(Non Grit Eater) have spent most of your life not knowing what a Grit is maybe it is not for you to know.

Anyway, one day I was at the supermarket and these two Yuppie women got behind me in line. I had Grits and hair grease on the conveyor belt and I knew we were going to have some kind of interaction. My back was hurting, I was tired and not in the mood.

They were yapping away about their Yuppie interests, home remodeling projects, that new Albanian-Mongolian restaurant etc.....then there was a lull in the conversation.

I knew it--- here it comes.

Counting T minus 10..9..8..7..6..here it comes 5..4..3..2..1 we have lift off.

WHAT ARE GRITS?

First of all I don't know what Grits are and even if I did I would not take the time to explain it. I know I have that kind of Aunt Jemima look, overweight, middle aged and black, and I look like I should be singing in a choir and saying something like "Bless yo heart chil' you want to know what grits are, let's see sweety....."

That is not me. I may look Aunt Jemima-ish but if I met Aunt Jemima I would probably kick her ass or at least say "thanks" with a huge helping of sarcasm.

My acutal response to the question was "I don't know, I am buying this box for a friend."

They didn't like that--how dare I look like Aunt Jemima and have that attitude.

So they started talking amongst themselves, probably to save face " do you know what Grits are? No I don't have a clue", etc etc etc.

I just ignored them.














Then I felt bad, not for the rebuff but for the fact I didn't say what I really wanted to say. Next time I will respond with exactly what is on my mind.



Beware Yuppies and Non Grit Eaters, if you happen to be standing in line behind an overweight, middle aged black woman who is buying Grits, don't ask her what are Grits. Because if it is me this is the response you will get.


I don't know what Grits are and I don't know what a Grit is. I do know that they are delicious especially with saugage early in the morning. Here is an idea why don't you buy a box and make some. The directions are on the box. Put a little cheese and butter on it and eat it instead of hash browns or a bagel. You may find them delicious and I promise you will not turn black, you will not become a crack whore, your hair will not kink up and you will not have an irresistible urge to move to the hood and fool around with black men. However I cannot predict what your friends would say when they found out you were eating (gulp!) Grits.

There is nothing wrong with curiosity, but it is the phraseology and the face scrunching that I find extremely irritating.



Why not ask that question like this:

"you know I see that box of Grits all the time next to the Cream of Wheat-- it looks good, what does it taste like and what do you eat it with? I think I might like to try it one day."

If someone asked me like that, then I would be nice and maybe explain what I think Grits are because I really don't know, my mother used to make them when I was a child so I just ate and enjoyed.

However I do also recall my mother serving me Brains when I was a child and eating those with Grits. I thought they were some kind of egg dish spelled Branes, until I realized later in life they were really Brains, spelled Brains--- Brains from some animal--- I was really disgusted when I found that out.

So it is ok to scrunch up you face and ask me about Brains.

Broke Down Oprah is back

Hello (My One Reader)

I have been gone for a long time because I have been diagnosed with a serious illness and haven't felt like making fun of people.

But now I am back with a new blog, Renal Roulette, and a lot to say.

I guess I will start with the usual suspect, His Royal High Mightiness, the Honorable and Fabulous and Uber-intelligent George Wha?? Bush.

Why don't we just make him king of America, in fact I would be willing to make him king of America if he would stop talking. Every time he opens his mouth that little voice in my head starts screaming.....

"For the love of God please please I beg of you please make it stop"



Then I thought to myself--why is his voice so irritating to me? It took me a while to figure it out but I have presented my reasoning below.

Imagine you are a child-- a teenager who is really smart and into computers and pretty savvy as teenagers go.

You have a father who likes to ride around on his motorcycle and thinks he is hot. That's pretty bad but you say "whatever--that's his problem I have my own problems to deal with."

Then your father has an accident and damages his brain severely, because he is way too cool to wear a faggoty helmet. He eventually makes it after a long recovery.

He has recovered physically but there is something not quite right with him. Whenever he talks to you he scrunches up his face and talks to you as if you were a slow witted child from another country (Albania?), so he has to use small words, talk very slowly and try very hard to make himself understood. He doesn't realize that it is he who has the brain damage and you understand the simple minded things he is trying to explain perfectly. So you have to sit there night after night going through this routine listening to someone who was not too bright in the first place, who now has brain damage trying to explain simple things to you with that exasperated scrunched up face and idiotic explanations. That has got to be hard.

That's why I cannot listen to him. Now that the prophets of Doom has shortened my lifespan I really find it hard to listen to him. Suppose I am listening to him give his usual Bin Laden, 9/11, terrrrist speech and I drop dead. That would have been the last thing I would have experienced as a living human being on the planet earth. I cannot take that chance. I am not unpatriotic or a Bush hater ( well, actually I am) but I am trying to cherish and protect what could be my last moments on earth.

You Are So Busted......

See Article





We all suspected it was a load of horse manure but now we have confirmation. Cell phones don't interfere with lifesaving equipment. Grandpa didn't die because you sent a text message to your boyfriend, he died because he was old and sick--that happens to a lot of really old sick people.


So why do hospitals ban the cell? It is pretty obvious. People who talk on cell phones in public places loud enough for others to hear are extremely annoying.

One lady next to me talking on a cell phone was so irritating I wanted to take the phone and shove it up her nose. After that I started monitoring my own cell phone conversations and have started really paying attention and modulating my voice.

Unfortunately most people are not that introspective, and don't care that we have to hear the business end of them yelling at their teenagers, some customer service drone, their hard of hearing grandma or engaging in sexy banter with their spouses. They should. Someone should make a video tape of these conversations and send it to them with enhanced audio, showing people's facial expressions during these ridiculous exchanges, they would be shocked at how not pretty they look.

But this leaves us with the Health Care industry and their big lie. Why not just say that cell phone use is disruptive to patient care. Why deny people who are trying to contact family members near and far about their sick relative, or not allow patients to talk to relatives who are not local.

According to the article there are still some skeptics in the medical industry that are suspicious of cell phones and still believe it may interfere with sensitive medical equipment. I don't believe it. They are just covering their asses because they knew they were making it all up.

A few years ago I worked on a Medicare Unit of a prominent Seattle hospital. The patients were mostly elderly and we did not have a bunch of monitoring equipment. We had some IV pumps and wound vacs and nothing else that I would consider high tech and life sustaining. One time we had a code and even the ER doc who came to help said he thought everyone on this unit was a no code (which reminds me of the joke what do you call a medical student who graduated last in his class? Doctor). Anyway you get the idea. There was this huge sign near the elevator with a cell phone enclosed in a red circle with a line drawn through it stating the cell phones interfere with life sustaining equipment. One day I asked the charge nurse which life saving equipment and she said there is none we just don't want people using cell phones up here.

I am sure some facilities will still keep the signs and keep the lie alive, but now you know the truth and this truth is just another chunk removed from the Medical Industrial complex's armor. What's next?

Universal Health Care? I know--way too much, we need to take baby steps.

Charging $5 for an aspirin?

George W Bush Needs An Intervention

I watch the program Intervention on A&E and I have become convinced that George W Bush needs an intervention badly.

What for?

Drugs and Alcohol?

No

Causing the horrific and painful deaths of hundreds of thousands of people?

No

Trying to turn the Presidency into a Dictatorship?

No

Then whay pray tell?

George W Bush needs an intervention to stop him from speaking Spanish.

Someone has led him to believe that he can speak Spanish and he does it whenever he is around the Spanish speaking.

Don't the people south of the border have enough trials and tribulations to deal with do they really need our Imbecile in Chief babbling on incomprehensively to boot.

The English speaking world knows Bush is a simpleton with a border line speech impediment. However, I would suspect the rest of the world doesn't know that. They see Bush as some tough talking kick ass President of the richest and most powerful nation in the world and they just assume he is an intelligent and mesmerizing speaker. How else would he have risen to such an exalted position? Well now the Spanish speaking world knows he is a simpleton and worse maybe even a little crazy.

I was watching the news and heard him speaking Spanish. I didn't understand what he was saying, I understood the words but they did not make any sense. I speak Spanish, not perfectly, but I have been told by the Spanish speaking I speak "bastante" which means ok or good enough. And I definitely know enough Spanish to know our President was speaking gibberish.

So here is my plan.

Get Jeb who can speak Spanish, his Mexican American wife, their half Mexican offspring, his parents, Rove, Cheney, Condoleeza and some of his golf buddies, Blair and of course Alberto Gonzalez together for a pre invertention meeting. I would volunteer to facilitate this meeting as I have a degree in Linguistics which I have never ever ever ever used until now.

At the meeting, they can all write heartfelt letters expressing how much they love George W, but the Spanish speaking has to stop. There will be a lot of crying and hugging and of course George W will insist that he can speak Spanish and start making incomprehensible statements in Spanish with his Texas accent. It will be very painful but I think eventually he will get the message and agree.

And just as he is about to leave promising never to speak Spanish again, he will turn around and remember that he is the Commander in Chief. He runs America and everything he does is to help the American people. He will tell them that he will continue to speak Spanish because that is his job to represent America all over the world. The people of Guatemala, Mexico and other countries understood him perfectly.

He will storm out.

Yo soy el Presidente

Yo soy el comandadero el Jefe

Yo hablo Espanol, no el la verdad, no es la verdad, no la verdad no es, no yo hablo la verdad espanol, correcta, verdad.