Christians Gone Wild, again.

Reverend Ted Haggert

"Haggard had resigned two days earlier as president of the National Association of Evangelicals, where he held sway in Washington and condemned homosexuality, after a Denver man named Mike Jones claimed to have had drug-fueled trysts with him. "

I just don't get it.

I am trying to imagine that I am some sort of spiritual leader. Let's say some kind of pastor or priest. I'm on the pulpit talking about how gays are an abomination, how pedophiles are an abomination, how drugs are ruining our children and society, how the gays, the pedophiles and drug pushers are all going to hell.

How could I do that and have regular homosexual relations outside of my marriage and do crystal meth.

How do I reconcile that?

Would someone like that even believe in God?

Obviously not, how can he?

Let's say that Mr Evangelical Gay Hater Bigshot Pastor makes it to the end of his life without ever being discovered. He wakes up one day and realizes he is on his death bed and still doesn't confess his sins believing he got away with all of it.

He has this huge funeral with everybody crying, heads of state will attend and speak of how wonderful he was and how he steered America in the right direction and was a credit to mankind.

They dont' know he smokes Meth every week, has had his little man on man action every month for years.

He dies and he goes to Heaven.

What is he going to say to God?

Adulterous, Gay Hating, Homosexual, Meth Addicted Pastor
Well Lord and Jesus, I have been your faithful servant all these years and I want to say that it is an honor to finally meet You and finally to make it to Heaven.

God's Representative
It's time to review your life.

Adulterous, Gay Hating, Homosexual, Meth Addicted Pastor
Yeah, Yeah, ok, review my life. Let's see. I was a pastor of a big church with lots of members. I was their beloved spiritual leader. Oh, I also counseled George W. Bush and Karl Rove, splendid guys and very pious, by the way I haven't seen them up here, but they could be still alive. Yeah, I'm sure that's the reason.

Anyhoo, I was God's faithful servant. I taught all the sinners about the fiery end which I didn't get to experience personally, unfortunately, but I am sure it will be wonderful. Let's see Oh, I stopped gays from getting married. What a thought. Marriage is between a man and a woman why else would God set things things up that way. Those homosexuals and Sodomites were really trying to ruin the fabric of the greatest country on Earth, probably the Universe, but the Universe is pretty big so I'm just going to say Earth.

I fought against drugs too. I really helped steer the young people away from that Meth, a horrible drug, a scourge on mankind especially white people which I believe are still God's favorite. Let's see I was a loving husband and father, paid my taxes and was kind to animals....

God's Representative
What about your homosexual relations and your Crystal Meth use?


Adulterous, Gay Hating, Homosexual, Meth Addicted Pastor
What are you talking about? I didn't do those things.

God's representative
You can fool humans, they evolved from apes, don't shake your head they did.

I am God's representative and you are a human I have been alive forever and you for 70 years trust me, humans, including you, evolved from Apes.

They also only use about 2% of their brains and they are easily fooled. I am God's Representative, you think I don't know about your homosexual relations and drug use?

Adulterous, Gay Hating, Homosexual, Meth Addicted Pastor
No no no I had a massage from that guy. It was just a massage. Ok I get it. It looked like we were having sex but it was just a massage. And I bought some meth but I threw it out. By the way you weren't watching me when I having relations with my wife because that 's kind of embarrassing.

God's Representative
I have watched you with your wife and that man you have sex with every month.

Adulterous, Gay Hating, Homosexual, Meth Addicted Pastor
That simply is not true, I am not gay. And why do you watch us have sex, its really inappropriate and embarrassing.

God's Representative
I have to watch everything you do otherwise I would not be able to review your life. I also wouldn't be able to answer any prayers if I couldn't watch you all the time.

You sir are lying to me and in essence lying to God.

Adulterous, Gay Hating, Homosexual, Meth Addicted Pastor
Let's say hypothetically I did have relations with a man and smoked some meth, what would happen to someone who would do something like that, hypothetically?

God's Representative
You would have to go to hell.

Adulterous, Gay Hating, Homosexual, Meth Addicted Pastor
But I was God's faithful servant, I have dedicated my life to God and Jesus, how can you send me to hell if I hypothetically were to have done something like that? By the way where is Jesus? I know Jesus would believe me.

God's representative
You actually believe that you can spend year after year having homosexual relations and smoking Crystal Meth; tell people it's wrong and evil, tell them they were going to hell, and then that you could then go and say Hi to Jesus. He is disgusted with you. Not because you smoke Crystal Meth or because you are gay, but because you are a hypocrite and a liar. You use His and God's name to control and manipulate people while you just do whatever you want. You think we God in Heaven who is the creator of the Universe somehow doesn't know about all of this, that he is too busy or not smart enough. Are you mad? But God doesn't punish, he leaves that to Karma, she seems to enjoy it.


(A woman leaves the basement of a building and walks toward them. She has blood dripping from her hands which she is trying to wipe off on her blood soaked apron. She has pieces of bloody meat stuck in between her teeth and she doesn't look like she is in a good mood)

Karma
I am so glad to finally meet you. (Though she didn't look happy) I have your friends, Karl and George waiting for you. We are going to have a lot of fun. Earth only gets you for about 70 to 100 years, we get to keep you for much much much much longer. You'll love it.....