My Interview with George W Bush
You may be wondering how did this come about.
Well I contacted his chief of staff a day after he attended a party in which someone slipped him a roofie. He was so sick and hungover he agreed to let me interview the President.
I recorded this important because I didn't want to miss a second of this momentous occasion in my life.
Here is a transcript.
BDO: Thank you Mr President for granting me this time to interview you I now you are very busy.
Pres: You are very welcome, Oprah, or is that Broke Oprah, or Broke Down Oprah, or BD Oprah (laughing with his characteristically heaving shoulders)---
BDO: Mr President you can just call me Carla.
Pres: Carla, I thought you were Broke down and out Oprah, or just Plain ol' Broke Oprah or just---
BDO: Mr President I only have a limited amount of time for this interview you can call me whatever you like, thank you.
Pres: Ok I will call you Oprah cause I know that's who you secretly want to be and you know I'm a straight shooter and straight talker, so I will call you Oprah number 2, (laughing and heaving again).
BDO: Fine you can call me whatever you like as long as we can proceed with this interview. Mr President my first question is why are we still in Iraq? We went there to get rid of Saddam-- (he's gone) and to get rid of his WMD-- (there aren't any); so, I, along with many other people, want to know why we are still there? Who are we fighting?
Pres: Our troops are in Iraq and as long as our troops are in Iraq we are going to help them with the tools they need, the equipment they need and I am going to do everything in my power to protect the troops and the American people because I am the Commander in Chief.
BDO: But the troops are there because you sent them there, they didn't go there on their own. And are you saying that the only reason we are still there is because the troops are still there, because that doesn't make any sense.
Pres: Well I am the president and you are some kind of blogoscope writer or or or or something, you can't be expected to understand the complexities of this situation.
BDO: But that goes back to my original question, what are the complexities because all you have told me was that we are staying there because the troops are there.
Pres: Yes and as long as the troops are there I will stay there to protect them-- and the American people.
BDO: Let's change the subject. When you have allocated all of those funds for the war that doesn't leave much for social programs for the vulnerable members of society or universal health care for the working poor and uninsured.
Pres: What are you going to do with Universal health care if you are dead. (long pause) There are people out there who want to kill us, they hate us for our freedom, so if you are dead (long pause) from some kind of nukyular bomb what are you gonna do with health care, how is health care gonna help you?
BDO: But what if we don't have a war or what if we are not attacked by a nukyula--I mean nuclear bomb, I mean, we still have to live life in America.
Pres: Again what good is money going to do you if you are dead? If you are dead from a Nukyular, dirty bomb or something else what good is money going do to you, you have no home, no city, no earth, just radiaaction, I mean radioisotones, I mean radiation-- what good is money going to do you I mean for you? That is why the money should all go to to to to our fine young men and women serving in the armed forces to keep that from happening. The rest of the money should go to the rich to create jobs for the poor, who again may not be alive except for our wonderful troops fighting the terrirst there so they won't follow us here and fight us here. Which is good because according to you we are too sick to fight them since we don't have any health care. Its not rocket science its pretty simple really.
BDO: So let me paraphrase you. You cannot do anything for the country because we could all die any second from a dirty bomb, what money you do have has to go to the troops who are in Iraq to get rid of Saddam which they did and get rid of WMD which there were none, and to the rich to provide jobs for the poor in case we make it through the coming nuclear holocaust. We can't get the troops out of Iraq because they are there, so as long as they are there we have to support them being there and keep them there. So they have to stay there because they are already there, does that about sum things up?
Pres: That was a lot of talking, what was that a 12 part question? You are just as bad as that David Gregory, but he laughs at my jokes and you don't.
BDO: I think you are amusing, sir, but the topics I am discussing are somewhat serious but maybe after this interview we can go have a beer and yuk it up.
Pres: I'm gonna have to say a negatory to that. I am already in trouble for touching Condi Rice inappropriately I don't want Laura to think I have some kind of jungle fever.
BDO: Thank you Mr President.
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